Eat Your Heart Out

IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT IN HERE (BERLIN), YOU CAN MAKE IT EVERYWHERE

?Oh man, Crystal Castles played a fucking insane show at Maria last night!? A friend of mine, literally hopping up and down with excitement, more or less screamed this in my face recently. In fact, had he been any more switched on I think it might have ended like a scene from Scanners; I half expected his veins to start bulging and his head to explode.

I thought to myself: ?What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Is he on drugs? Has someone put bleach in his drink or something?? Nope, that was pure, unadulterated glee at having witnessed one of the musical events of the year.

However, I was at the self same CC gig at Maria and quite where the ?fucking insane show? was I have no idea because I?d obviously gone to the toilet when that happened and I?d completely missed it.

What I do have a vague memory of is turning up at the venue, asking the girl on the desk if the gig had started (?Yeah, they?re playing their first song now.?), checking my coat in, having a quick pee, buying a beer and by the time I?d got myself a spot to stand and watch the show (this was a Stand And Watch for me, not a dive in and get killed in the melee kind of show) it was flippin? over. Literally. I mean, I?m not that slow but I guess it took me all of fifteen minutes or so to get in, get myself organised and find a suitable vantage point.

OK, maybe fifteen minutes is a slight exaggeration. But we?re probably talking twenty minutes tops. Coat check was quick, toilets were empty, bar was deserted. What took all the time was navigating my way through the seething pit of evil which was the crowd. Now that did take a while?and quite a lot of courage.

They were going absolutely bloody insane.

It was like the Last Days of Sodom and Gomorrah or the Burning of Rome or some such other historical tragedy.

I wouldn?t have been surprised if, by the time I got through them all to the other side, I emerged completely naked because it felt like my clothes were being squeezed off. Although that wouldn?t necessarily have been a bad thing since my clothes seemed to be drenched with everyone else?s sweat anyway so I stunk to high heaven even though I?d barely moved.

Crystal Castles at Maria were a prime example of the distorted view of reality we end up with when viewed through the kaleidoscope of hype. I was there, I watched, I heard the songs, I saw the performance and aside from a moderate amount of hip-swinging I permitted myself on Crimewave (which even I have to admit is a mighty choon) I didn?t feel at all inspired to go wild, tear out my hair or smash up the furniture. This was a gig where the atmosphere seemed to have been dumped there right out of the pages of a music magazine?CC brought along their media baggage with them and so did the docile kids in the crowd.

OK, sorry Alice and Ethan, it?s not your fault. CC are an OK band as far as I am concerned but that?s it. They?re OK. Their incessant chiptunery sounds rather unique in today?s musical climate but even that?s been done before and after two or three songs in a row it does rather make you want to stick your head into blender. They?re a cute, stylish duo who the media scooped up and everyone topfriended on Myspace.

If only people could step back and analyse a bit more before eating everything the music press spoon-feeds them.

After all the CC show at Maria was a real stinker for the poor saps (or should that be dedicated fans?) who actually bothered to spend money on a ticket. Blink and you?d miss it. Indeed, I think I have had wanks that lasted longer than CC?s set and in the end were ultimately more satisfying. And what of the crazy, spazzed out crowd who 10 minutes before had been jumping around like their lives depended on it? Well, as soon as the gig was over they picked up their American Apparel hoodies and left. No come down. No buzz. No remnants of crackling energy because it never existed in the first place. They?d turned up to Hot Ticket of the Season, done what was expected of them, then went back home to do their homework. As simple, and as pre-meditated, as that. I guess what was important here was not whether you?d had a good time or not, but whether you were there or not.

So how long are CC going to be able to sustain a career built entirely on a wave of anticipation? After all, once everyone got keyed into the whole CC thing, what they really wanted all these months was an album and that is out ? and a rather predictable affair it is too. So what?s to wait for now? Vol. II? Crystal Castles Remixed? Crystal Castles Unplugged? Crystal Castles Sing Your Favourite Hits from Mary Poppins? Time will tell if they can evolve into something new and remain for the long run as valuable contributors to popular music or if they?re going to burn out and be remembered as nothing more than a vaguely interesting curio. Now that will be something worth seeing.

NEALE LYTOLLIS

This entry was posted on Friday, October 17th, 2008 at 12:06 pmand is filed under concert reviews, dance on the vulcan, did you know that ?, everything is politics, music articles, neale lytollis. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.